jocktalk asked: Billy Crystal's a Clipper fan, too. So remember if you're cheering for them, you're on the same page as a shitty oscar host/star of City Slickers 2: The Legend of Curly's Gold

Superb.

Five Reasons You Should Hate the Clippers

The Clippers are on the brink of self-imploding, losing two straight games and letting the Memphis Grizzlies take control of the series. On one hand, you have to feel sorry for Chris Paul, who’s the best point guard in the league and has endured some of the shittiest situations in NBA history. Think about it: Paul helped restore relevance to the New Orleans Hornets in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, played for the team when the NBA took over (and decided to gut the franchise), sat through a litany of trade rumors, got traded, then untraded, and then traded again, and now plays for Donald Sterling and Vinny Del Negro. And I didn’t even bring up those horribly ugly Hornets jerseys he used to wear.

On the other hand, the Clippers deserve to lose the series. In a perfect wave of hipster benevolence, the Clippers made the internet explode by giving the youth of America a West Coast alternative to the Thunder (too neat), Heat (too popular), Knicks (too traditional) and Staples Center cohabitants Lakers (too annoying). And because of that, the Clippers got too big, too fast. The Clippers are kind of like that song “FUN” that’s playing on the radio right now: it was cool the first time you heard it, but when EVERYONE started playing it, while downplaying it’s popularity, it became annoying. It’s a top 40 hit masquerading as an indie anthem. 

If you feel like I feel, good. But if you’re just a little bit uncomfortable with liking the a GOOD Clippers team, then I’ve made a list of 5 reasons why you should hate the Clippers.

5: Donald Sterling is a racist bigot

This isn’t false. Donald Sterling’s the worst owner in professional sports history. For whatever reason, he’s managed to hold on to this pathetic excuse of a franchise for over 25 years. But Sterling’s not just a horrible owner: he’s a horrible person, too. Look, I’m not here to give you all the grisly details. Just go to Google and type in Donald Sterling and watch “donald sterling racist” come up third and “donald sterling racist quotes” come up fourth. Nowhere in that top four is “donald sterling clippers”. That’s not right, is it?

4: Flop City 

It’s become almost unbearable to watch these Clippers play because of their flopping. I don’t mind flopping as much as some people do. I don’t think you should be fined and I certainly don’t think you should be executed. It’s a part of the game. But this much flopping? It’s annoying. And what’s worse is the outcry when they don’t get their call. And what’s the worst about it is number three:

3: They’re a bunch of “Ant Bullies”

Kenyon Martin is a mean dude. Reggie Evans is a mean dude. Everyone else? Stop. Please. The persistent cheap shots, barking at ref’s and opponents, and “better than you attitude” isn’t even cool when established good teams do it. What makes the Clips think that 66 games of okay basketball gives them the right to be assholes? I’ve seen countless Clippers game this year, but what sticks out the most is DeAndre Jordan the cyberbully. Back in February, Kevin Love and the Minnesota Timberwolves began posting pictures on Twitter of a sleeping Michael Beasely. Channeling his inner 15 year old girl, DeAndre Jordan tweeted some cryptic status about how “other teams are getting with the #gotem. But we all know where it came from.” The potshot was obviously directed at the Wolves team, who had just beat the Clippers twice. 

2: Blake Griffin is overrated

Anyone who watches basketball sees the glaring holes in Blake’s game. He’s not a good defender, can’t shoot, is a horrible free throw shooter, isn’t a great passer, etc, etc. Basically, if he’s not running the break, he’s not a threat. But he’s a great dunker, so he gets more time on Sportscenter than players who are better than him. 

Griffin reminds me of the guy at the gym who’s more athletic than everyone in the building, but pouts when things don’t go his way and acts like he doesn’t care. Watch when Griffin doesn’t get a foul call: he’ll sit on the floor and take his time to get up. 

I think Griffin’s a phenomenal talent, but he’s got a lot of work to do before he’s the best forward in basketball. 

1: Clipsters

Good God almighty, the Clippers are a HUGE fad. I know TWO people who are self-proclaimed Clippers fan. I guarantee you neither of them know who Michael Olowakandi, or who was the leading scorer for the ‘06 team. 

But, because they’re the “alternative”, Urban Outfitters has started producing a pre-shrunk poly-cotton blended shirt. And people are eating it up. In two years, when Paul’s a free agent and Griffin’s knees are shot, do you think anyone will care about them? Or will they revert back to the lovable losers they are at heart?

The Clippers don’t deserve to make it out of the first round. Not yet. Before this team is championship contending material, they need to suffer in NBA playoff purgatory for three years. This year it’s the first round, next year the semi’s, and the third year it’s a loss in the conference finals. If the fans can stick around for that, then fine, they can be contenders. But until then? Prove your allegiance.

Honorable mention: Will Ferrell is a fan.

Bewitched.

(Source: deepthighbruise)

Magic to Dwight: “If you leave, we’ll sit in our underwear drunk listening to Lady Antebellum”

Well, the title is paraphrased, but that’s basically what they told him.

With two days til the trade deadline, it’s being reported that the Orlando Magic are offering an ultimatum of sorts to Dwight Howard in what can only be described as a last ditch effort to keep their franchise center. It goes a little something like this: “You can save your coach and GM’s job if you sign an extension.”

Whoa! I didn’t know my ex-girlfriend, the queen of pity, took a job in Orlando’s front office!

It’s no secret that Dwight Howard doesn’t want to be in Orlando, and his one foot in, one foot out demands prove he doesn’t have the cajones to fully make it happen. For quite some time now, Dwight’s been telling Orlando he’ll only stay if Orlando puts players around him (because Orlando never put any good players around him before…coughRASHARDLEWISWASOVERPAIDTOAPPEASEYOUJACKASScough). Last week, ESPN’s Ryan Russillo, on his NBA Today podcast, said he’d seen Dwight’s list of acceptable players and it makes absolutely no sense. 

“It just goes to show that Dwight doesn’t know what he wants.”

It’s been reported that Orlando is making a huge push to trade for Monta Ellis, the Warriors combo guard, to entice Dwight into staying. But if they can’t grab him by Wednesday, the Magic will look into trading Dwight.

But this new twist is what’s most exciting in the Dwight-Magic drama. This is a tactic that not even Dan Gilbert would dare try: guilt-trip your star player into saying.

The NBA is a professional business. There’s an unspoken acceptance that players will always do what’s best for them. It’s why Howard’s teammates aren’t entirely pissed off at Dwight: he’s going to do what’s best for himself first, just as any other NBA player would. 

But Orlando’s new tactic of making this negotiation personal? Low blow. Bush. Dirty.

We’ve all been in this relationship before, and it sucks: you want to break up with your significant other, only they haven’t exactly done anything that warrants a break-up; maybe you’ve just outgrown the relationship. But once it comes time to do the deed, they give you the puppy dog eyes and guilt trip you into staying.

This is essentially what Orlando management just did to Dwight. “If you leave, we’ll have to start all over, and we’ll all be sad. You promised us no heartbreak.”

Personally, I prefer Denver and Utah’s cold-hearted “you fuck with us, we’ll fuck with you” tactic: hold out til the best possible moment and deal. Don’t mess with emotions. Know you’ll be better off.

This all went south when Orlando began to make business personal. So long, Dwight.

On the ACL Tear Heard ‘Round the World

I consider myself personally responsible for Ricky Rubio’s torn ACL.

I live in Sacramento, California, and watched last night’s Lakers/Timberwolves game from my couch, where I watch all Timberwolves games. I am not Kobe Bryant. I am not Rubio’s Nikes. I am a human. 

But I am still responsible.

At around the three minute mark of last night’s game, Andrew Bynum stuffed home an alley-oop to give the Lakers the lead, and amidst the chorus of Target Center boo’s (which sounded nice juxtaposed to the echoing crickets of just one year ago), I stood up from my couch and, in my natural fan reaction, cursed Bynum. Or so I thought. I ended up cursing Rubio and myself.

I made the Cardinal Sin. It’s the one rule that is unforgivable and ALWAYS comes back to bite you as a sports fan. 

“Isn’t it about time for Bynum to blow his knee out again?”

I didn’t mean it. I respect Andrew Bynum, no matter how annoying and entitled I think he is. The guy is one of the best center’s in basketball when healthy. He was dominating the Timberwolves all night. And, in that situation-a situation where Dwight Howard probably wouldn’t have even played, mind you-Bynum stifled Wolves Nation. My only reaction was to curse him.

Less than three minutes later, Ricky Rubio was lost for the year.

In this 24 hour media society of ours, it’s been chewed up, digested, and shitted out on a per hour basis. We all know what losing Rubio means to not just the Timberwolves, but the NBA: the Wolves don’t look like a playoff team anymore, the Hornets pick automatically becomes a lottery pick (where Stern may or may not rig the lottery for the league-owned franchise to get the 1st pick), the NBA loses one of it’s brightest and most entertaining young players for a year, the Olympics aren’t as interesting, and the Rise of the Minnesota Timberwolves is put on hold for what looks to be another year. 

It’s frustrating, sure; ever since Kevin Garnett was traded, it’s hard for us Wolves fans to get excited for a team. We tried, of course: there was the initial break-up period where we got a little too excited for Al Jefferson, Gerald Green, and Sebastian Telfair. We tried to convince ourselves that Al Jefferson, Kevin Love, and Randy Foye would develop into something special. We tried to buy into Kurt Rambis ruining Jonny Flynn’s confidence by installing a triangle offense. We tried, tried, tried.

Meanwhile, we became the laughingstock of the NBA. We told ourselves it would be all worth it when Ricky Rubio came over-the boy wonder who started to play professional basketball at 14 years old.

And it was worth it.

Rubio came over and didn’t just played great…he made the team better. Pekovic, D-Will, Wes Johnson…even Kevin Love is a better player with Rubio. It’s a truly special thing to watch.

But his effect on the team wasn’t just on the hardwood. It was in the locker room, where everyone genuinely likes and roots for each other. It was in the crowd, where fans are showing up and selling out the Target Center. It was on Twitter, where we get stupid team pictures on plane flights. It was all over the world, where fans in Spain, or Montenegro, or Puerto Rico, or Sacramento felt connected to a community thousands of miles away. 

Wolves basketball became a community that was fun to be apart of for the first time in a long time. That’s what makes this so hard: it wasn’t just Ricky Rubio who tore his ACL. It feels like we all tore our ACL.

Basketbawful: 01/05/12

If you’re interested in horrible basketball, babysitting and want to punish your subjects in an innovative way, or just want to be in a dark, scary place, Basketbawful is here to cater to you. We’ll look at the worst game on tap each day for the 2012 lockout season, which is bound to be basketbawful in its own right. But remember: with great powers come great responsibility. Deep Thigh Bruise does not condone child abuse, spousal abuse, friend abuse, pet abuse, neighbor abuse, roommate abuse, substance abuse or any other kind of abuse. Please use the following information responsibly.

JANUARY 05, 2012

The Suspects: Miami (6-1) @ Atlanta (4-2), Dallas (3-4) @ San Antonio (4-2), Milwaukee (2-3) @ Sacramento (2-5), LA Lakers (4-3) @ Portland (4-1)

Prelude: Thursday is reserved for the pick of the litter, the cream of the crop, the créme de la créme-basically any phrase you can pick from here-of the finest basketball competition. It’s the showcase night-and tonight is no different. Usually we get three games: two nationally televised and then a random game who’s highlights serve as a dessert. For example: February 17th of last year. Lakers at Boston to start things off, capped by Dallas at Denver (which ended 121-120). Randomly played was Golden State at Phoenix, a highlight filled game that meshed well on that night’s Sportscenter (not that I remember.)

But this year’s different: we’re in “Operation: Lockout”, a not-so-covert military mission I just made up to describe the NBA’s plan to play an asinine 66 games in 124 days (that maniacal laughter you hear is Kevin Garnett finally jumping off the deep end). So, as the overall product becomes more and more diluted—the Knicks are playing 2nd round pick and John Calipari whipping boy Josh Harrellson 20 minutes a game and letting him jack up 3 three’s per at a 25 percent clip—the Thursday night showcase might not be jet ski’s and motorcycles, but couches and armoires.

That’s why tonight’s “Basketbawful” game is pretty clear-cut. There’s only one game on the schedule tonight that features a combined losing record and 0 All-Stars. (Hint: it’s not the Heat and Hawks.)

Basketbawful Game of the Night: Milwaukee Bucks @ Sacramento Kings

Why: Milwaukee may not be THAT bad of a team, but watching them can be brutal in it’s own right. Brandon Jennings is the stereotypical chucker: he takes 17 shots a game (5 three’s) and makes less than 40 percent of his shots (including 18 percent from three!) Note to Brandon: stop fucking shooting. He’s the point guard, and a diminutive little fuck, at that. With Andrew Bogut, Stephen Jackson and Mike Dunleavy on the roster, Jennings SHOULD be deferring the scoring load unto these guys. But that’s not his style. He’s a train wreck to watch: “Jennings brings the ball up. Jennings takes the Bogut screen. Jennings makes a move inside. Jennings looks off Bogut. Jennings steps back after being double-teamed. Jennings looks off Jackson open in the corner. Jennings launches a step back three from 27 feet! Nothing but rim!” For that, watching the Bucks is insufferable.

But if you pit Milwaukee against a semi-entertaining team, you can convince yourself you’re not getting the basketball equivalent of a castration. Unfortunately, Sacramento does not qualify as a “semi-entertaining” team.

After an entertaining as hell win over LA on opening night (a game which I lost my voice and bruised my sternum from screaming so hard), the Kings have been in a perpetual free fall. It’s been a complete 180 in the past 10 days: after putting Laker Nation on edge, the Kings have lost 5 of 6. And the losses haven’t been pretty: they’re losing by an average of 19.6 points. To compound the losing, the Kings briefly sent home and suspended second year center DeMarcus Cousins, with coach Paul Westphal issuing a scathing press release and accusing Cousins of demanding a trade…twice. Cousins and his camp denied any trade requests, with Cousins’s agent going so far as to calling the entire organization incompetent. GM Geoff Petrie met with Cousins on Monday night and smoothed things over, and after last nights 27 point loss to Denver, Paul Westphal was fired.

So there you have the last ten days of Sacramento basketball: a euphoric win followed by suspension of the team’s most important player and a subsequent coach firing. Tonight, Keith Smart, the former Warriors coach will take over. Personally, I think Smart’s been the right guy all along: he made the Warriors respectable last year, and he actually has some sway with players. For whatever reason, Westphal was hated by the team. Smart should be able to get a better showing from this group.

That doesn’t negate the fact that the Kings are awful. The Kings score 92 points a game, which is mediocre, at best, and the Bucks allow 90, which is top five in the league. By all basic logic, you can expect the Kings to put up a stinker of an offensive performance tonight. But that doesn’t excuse the Bucks, who will surely put up a shit sandwich of their own on the offensive end.

Most interesting battle: It’s a toss-up between Jennings/Evans and Bogut/Cousins. Jennings and Evans are almost carbon copies of one another: both shoot way too much in general, are considered their team’s point guards, and do more damage than help. I’m looking at a combined 40 shots between the two, and I’d consider it a miracle of 18 go in. 

But you can’t excuse the “Cousins is a temperamental bitch” factor. He’s known to get riled up when someone plays defense on him, and Bogut won’t back down. Cousins has had a whirlwind of a week, and if you think Bogut won’t exploit that, well…you just don’t know Aussies. Cousins finally got the guy he hates out of town, and now all the pressure will be on him. Can he live up to his potential? Sure, it’s only game one, but it’s bound to mount on him. I’m following the Cousins/Bogut match up because there’s a 30 percent chance they get into a fight. And if there’s a fight, I guarantee Isiah Thomas decks someone. And if that happens, this game goes from “Basketbawful” to “Basketbawesome”. 

What you could be doing instead: The last season of Jersey Shore premieres tonight. So, obviously, that.

“Fever Pitch 2” treatment

North Pole Lockout Imminent

It is 47 days until Jesus Christ turns 2044, but the celebration may not commence in ways we’re accustomed to.

Sources have reported that Santa Claus will officially lock out his Elves from the North Pole for the start of the 2011 holiday season tonight at midnight pacific time, amidst labor and toy related income disputes.

This will be the first work stoppage since 1937, the height of the Great Depression. In 1937, the Elves and Reindeer worked together to form the ERA, or Elf-Reindeer Alliance. The Elves and Reindeer demanded better work conditions, and got their demands on December 23rd, two days before Christmas.

“It was a monumental win for unions and laborers at the time,” says Gerald Schwartz, current president of the ERA. “Some historians believe it led to the formation of the Fair Labor Standards, which basically said ‘no child labor, and a 40 hour work week.’”

Schwartz believes the current labor battle is just as important as that of 1937.

“We’ve done a lot to curtail the past injustices that Mr. Claus and the investors of the North Pole have imposed on our workers. It’s been a solid seventy years of progression. However, in the past 3 or 4 years, both sides have realized that, with the way our economy is headed, there will be changes to the current system. The main difference between ‘37 and this year is that in ‘37, we were on offense. Now, we’re on the defense. But where the dispute comes into play is HOW MUCH we should sacrifice. Mr. Claus is demanding way too much.”

Amidst the charges, Claus and the North Pole’s Board of Directors (a nine person team including Mrs. Claus, Jack Frost, Easter Bunny and Warren Buffett) have issued only one official statement in anticipation of the lockout:

“While we understand how the entire Christmas experience is woven into the fabric of our society, it is our belief that the North Pole can not operate a financially viable operation during these tumultuous economic times with the current CBA. We will work diligently with Mr. Schwartz and the entire ERA for a swift resolution.”

But an inside source says Claus and the Board feel pessimistic a deal will be done before Black Friday, and are even planning how to operate if Christmas is missed.

“They’re so far apart, they need the Golden Gate Bridge to even begin talking,” the source says. “The Elves and Reindeer don’t realize just how hard the economy has hit the North Pole. Fiscally, Claus is losing money. They don’t want to recognize that, though.”

But the ERA claims otherwise.

“That’s hogwash.,” claims Schwartz. “The North Pole is one of the most profitable businesses in the world. Perhaps they haven’t made what they projected in recent years, but the North Pole is the most viable enterprise this side of Apple.”

To understand the differences between the executives in charge of the NP and the ERA, it’s important to first understand how profits are generated in the business:

The NP spends New Year’s to Halloween (January 1st-October 31st, a span of 303 days) building various toys and gadgets, and distributing them to various retailers for a price that’s considerably higher. The NP will also earn a cut of what the retailer sells an item for.

Experts point to Furbies, a popular toy from the late 1990’s, as a prime example of the NP model: the NP makes X number of Furbies for $0.10, and sells them for $3.00 each to retailers. The NP then received ten percent retroactively of whatever priced the retailer sold the Furby for. If a Furby sold for $30.00, the NP would earn an extra $3.00 per toy sold, meaning they earned $6.00 per Furby made (while only costing ten cents to make.) Times that by over 40 million Furbies sold, and you’re looking at a hefty profit for a toy.

Beginning November 1st, the NP begins manufacturing toys they predict will be popular, and set aside a large number of product to deliver personally to various homes, which parents can order through the NP catalogue and website. Experts believe the last 55 days of the holiday season are the most important for the NP, because a large percentage of profits come from panicked buyers who need products.

The Reindeer, the NP’s personal distributors, are given a percentage of the above profits for delivering toys to retailers, and an even larger cut of the Christmas eve deliveries.

The current CBA breakdown is as follows: the Elves and Reindeer get 45% of the profit. Of their portion, the Elves get 70% of all profits engineered from January 1st-October 31st, while the Reindeer get 30%. From November 1st until December 25th, the Reindeer get 70% of the profit, with an added bonus for every 5,000 miles traveled on Christmas Eve. The NP gets 55 percent at all times.

For labor concerns, Elves are only allowed to work 40 hours per week prior to November, and 60 hours per week during “Holiday Season.” The Reindeer are regulated by miles traveled: 5,000 per week during the “Non-Holiday Season” and 15,000 during “Holiday Season” with an uncapped amount on Christmas Eve.

According to the source, the NPBOD feels as if the current CBA is outdated, and more indicative of better times for the economy and NP.

“The Board’s been against this deal for ten plus years. They want to take back control. They want 60 percent of all profits, 50 hour workweeks Non-Holiday, and 80 hour weeks Holiday for Elves. They think the Reindeer are being coddled, too. They want to cut two Reindeer, and bump miles by 5,000 per season.”
“If the Reindeer aren’t prepared to accept that, it’s always a possibility that the Board will use a third party distributor, like UPS.”

Comet, the Reindeer representative for the negotiations, is none too pleased with the threats of downsizing and disintegration altogether.

“It’s all PR bullshit,” he says. “We went through the same thing in ‘50, before Korea. They’ll use any opportunity they can to cut back on employees.”

“We’re united with the Elves. We’re prepared to hold out until a fair deal is reached.”

The head of the Elves, Elfvis, echoes Comet’s sentiments:

“We already earn less than half of the profits and the ear of one elf does entirely more work than Santa and the entire Board put together.”

According to Schwartz, the ERA is ready to make concessions, even though they feel none are necessary:

“In all honesty, the Elves and Reindeers are the ones who should be fighting for more money. They earn less than 50 percent of the profits, get NONE of the merchandising, marketing, or advertising money, and are STILL supposed to make concessions? In any other line of work, what the NP is asking to do would be laughed back to the Stone Age.”

“But the Elves and Reindeers understand that Christmas isn’t just about them, and are willing to sacrifice, in the spirit of the season.”

Right now, the Elves and Reindeers are holding strong. But as the Holiday Season swings underway—and bank accounts begin dwindling—will the Union be able to hold up?

“The Board knows there’s not a market for Elves or Reindeer. This is their life. They’re prepared to sacrifice a Christmas in order to fundamentally alter the foundation of the North Pole and Holiday Season,” says the source. “They think as time goes on, and paychecks are missed, they’ll crumble.”

Only time will tell whether the NPBOD is right, but time is dissipating quick enough.

What do they cheer for now?!?

The divorce between mom (the players) and dad (the owners) is getting messier by the day. First, we missed the July free agency period. Next came training camps. Then a few pre-season games, and all of pre-season, and now, the first two weeks of the season. Pretty soon, we’ll be celebrating two birthdays and alternating beds.

There doesn’t seem to be an end in sight-not with the owners petty in their demands and the players confused as to what they want. Compromise went out the door long ago. Papa Stern and the owners have a point to make now: “We run the family!” they declare. “We are to be obeyed!”

Mama, the sensitive, loving, naïve woman that she is, is too partial to advice from everyone. She’s being pressured by everyone, taking everything into consideration. Papa Stern and the owners could care less how all Mama’s friends and her side of the family think of him: this is bigger than an image. Mama, however, cares. She cares deeply when she learns people will look at her in public for letting the divorce drag on. She is affected knowing that the longer the procedures go on, the less alimony checks she gets.

(Sure, Deron Williams has his Turkish sugar daddy. But when you sit in the lap of luxury, you don’t ever want to get off and sit anywhere else.)

Outsiders such as the fans are torn: who’s to blame for this broken marriage? Pops, for being stupid to begin with and marrying someone who really wasn’t in his best interest? Or Mama, for using the lure of materialism that comes with the lifestyle to numb herself of the pain and pressures of being a trophy wife?

In all honesty, it doesn’t matter who you place the blame on. They both made their mistakes—like everyone does—and they’re both suffering from it. The real issue here, folks, is the children.

Have you ever been a gigantic gorilla dressed in purple and orange in this economy? Do you think the job market for a hairy bison in Oklahoma City is that great? Don’t even get me started on what it’s like to be a bear in conservative Mormon Utah.

For every overqualified circus lion that can dunk a basketball in Sacramento, there’s a trail-cat in Portland, coyote in San Antonio, and Lynx in Charlotte whose only listable talents on a resume are “1. Take pictures 2. Wave.”

“Maybe I’ll try and go back to my old job,” said Crunch, the mascot for the lowly Minnesota Timberwolves. “I’m not really supposed to talk about the lockout. But hey, gotta feed the family, right?’

Others aren’t taking the lockout as well as Crunch.

“What the fuck am I?” said Burnie, mascot of the defending Eastern Conference Champions and NBA Final’s runner-up Miami Heat. “No seriously, what the fuck am I? Literally? Come on! Look at me! I look like a fucking cross between Elmo and Beaker from The Muppets. Like, what the fuck? How am I supposed to find a fucking job?”

“Even LeBron won’t help me out. But hey, what else is new?”

(Burnie was later arrested for possession of an illegal narcotic and solicitation of a minor during a taping of MSNBC’s “To Catch a Predator” in Tampa, Florida. Charges are still pending.)

The NBA owners and players have fully neglected the ramifications the lockout imposes on other employees. This is just about them. This is about everyone. By choosing not to work with one another, the NBA and players are choosing to put the mascots in desperate situations.

“I’ve got an offer to go to Pamplona and begin training for the run come July. I was out there this summer in anticipation of the lockout,” said Benny the Bull, Bulls mascot since 1969. “It was nice. And it’s better than all these fucking rodeo’s my agents been trying to get me to do. But still. I mean, come on. I’m me. I’ve played cards with MJ. I’ve banged broads with Rodman. For fuck’s sake, I even snorted blow with Vince (Vaughn) last year! Now this?”

“I’ve heard from the Browns. CB, Trapper, Chomps and TD (the Browns current ‘Pound Puppies’) need some guidance. It’d be strictly an advisory role, but when do any of us really want to be demoted?” says Cleveland Cavaliers mascot Moondog. “Maybe I’ll retire. I’m 97 in doggy years, and I have battle wounds from Jordan’s shot and LeBron leaving. Plus, last year was just horrible. There were lots of locker room issues. Baron (Davis) kept eating all my food when he got here. (Cavs owner Dan) Gilbert didn’t do anything about it, either. It reaffirmed that he kissed the prima donnas asses.”

Some mascots have gone back to their Alma maters to finish what they started, like Hugo the Hornet. (New Orleans Hornets)

“Yeah, it’s nice to be back on campus! Sac State is definitely nice. It’s great to be home.”

But even Hugo, a three time NBA Mascot Slam Dunk Contest champion, has struggled balancing his former fame and new lifestyle:

“Herky (Sac State’s official mascot) doesn’t like that I’m back on campus. I can feel it. Maybe Sacramento’s just not big enough for two hornets?”

Many mascots didn’t return phone calls for this story. There have been, however, plenty of rumors circulating. Each of the following are unproven but widely discussed:

—Bango the Buck (Milwaukee) was shot by a hunter outside of Green Bay in early October. (Due to the lockout, the Bucks are not allowed to officially comment.)

—Hooper the Horse (Detroit) is participating in illegal horse-racing near Saginaw (also seen pawning his 2004 NBA championship ring at American Jewelers, home of the TruTV show “Hardcore Pawn”.)

—Stuff the Magic Dragon (Orlando) was arrested in Tallahassee for illegal distribution of narcotics.

—Hip-Hop the Rabbit (Philadelphia) is a stunt double for the Trix cereal/yogurt rabbit.

—G-Man (of “G-Wiz and G-Man”, the mascot duo of Washington) is actually just a man in a muscular blue costume.*

(*This later proved to be true. Sources say the Wizards plan to sue G-Man for fraud and are planning to ask for a second round pick in the 2014 draft as compensation.)

—Champ (Dallas) has been on a resort off the coast since June smoking marijuana and drinking chardonnay.

“’Ave ya evah been a damn lepahkahn in Bahstahn, lad? Just anotha day! Me and Tommy (Heihnsohn) drink every day at Emmet’s on Beacon!”

Some mascots are facing the wrath of the justice system. Raptor (Toronto) was recently picked up on probation charges stemming from eating a cheerleader during the February 3rd, 2010 game vs the New Jersey Nets. His attorney issued a statement to the press last week:

“My client has made mistakes. He is remorseful and accepts total responsibility for eating that cheerleader. He was gracious enough to be given probation, and he feels awful for breaking the trust of the Canadian justice system and hopes to serve his time and put this in the past and move forward. He’s learned his lesson. Hopefully his sentence will end before the lockout. He has, however, canceled his guest role on Degrassi for the upcoming season, due to schedule restraints.”

(Due to censorship laws in the publisher’s area, embedding the video is not allowed. See video here.)

When asked how he broke probation, the attorney would only respond: “No comment.”

Not every mascot story is one of genuine frustration and confusion, though. Boomer and Bowser, mascots for the Indiana Pacers, have found solace in the lockout:

“We’ve been doing this a long time now. And when you’re around someone as much as Boom and I have been together, you begin to see and know each other as more than just friends. It’s like what Siegfried and Roy went through. We’ve tried to keep our relationship secret, for the team, players, management, organization, fans-but, we feel like with the lockout happening and no end in sight-”

“We just want to be together, in love. No more pressure.”

Perhaps Boomer and Bowser have it right.

“Life isn’t about petty disputes. It’s about finding something you love and immersing yourself in it. If these guys don’t love basketball enough to work something out, they don’t deserve to play it. And they should find something else to do,” says Bowser.

“I watched Jermaine O’Neal lug his sorry ass up and down the court for seven years. It’s no wonder the league’s in the shape it is today,” says Boomer.

The two look into each other’s eyes.

“That’s why I love you, schnookem’s.”

“Come on, hot stuff,” declares Boomer. “I’m gonna light your ass up like Reggie in the semi’s in ‘95.”

“Oo, that rough, huh?” chuckles Bowser.
“You like it rough!”

The two begin barking.

“Rough, rough! Ruff! Rough!”

All’s well that ends well.

Operation: Vertical Orgasm

Five weeks into the NFL fantasy season, and pundits have already dubbed The Wünderllamas  “Operation: Vertical Orgasm”. 

The rise of The Llamas is a story of it’s own: managed by legendary fantasy general manager and innovator, Jake “Cash Money” Bangert, the franchise is coming off a mediocre season which they finished 4th of 8. This year, the league (The Gridiron IX) expanded to ten teams, and Bangert had to think outside the box.

“Last year, we fell victim to this idea and notion that you need to draft two solid running back’s to win. It’s been like that for years, now. We used to win league’s on the strength of guys like LT alone. But, really, the times have changed, and it seems like everybody’s picking a running back in the first two rounds. Last year, we took Ray Rice and Michael Turner. I mean, that’s not a bad core, but you’re not at an advantage. Basically, if you take two running back’s, you’re kind of just going with the flow of the draft. Then it becomes a domino effect, and it’s not really a draft, but essentially an assembly line. We thought about our strategy a lot this year, and made a conscious decision to do what we felt we needed to to win.”

Bangert and the Llamas had the sixth pick in the draft.

“Basically, our big board looked like this: Adrian Peterson, Aaron Rodgers, and Calvin Johnson.”

First went Arian Foster. Rodgers went two and Peterson went three. Then went Chris Johnson and Ray Rice. The Llamas were up.

“With that pick, our entire draft was decided: take Calvin at 6, and then take the next two best wide receivers. The rest is history.”

History, indeed. The Llamas surprised fellow owners by taking Larry Fitzgerald in the second round, and Greg Jennings in the third.

“I’m proud of Cal for everything he’s done. And Larry is a remarkable talent who played with Max Hall and Derek Anderson last year—better known in fantasy circles as ‘Shit Sandwich.’ But I’m most proud of the Jennings pick. We already had Rodgers rated off the charts—that offense is ridiculous. And Jennings is underrated and in his prime. Would I rather have Greg Jennings as my number three receiver or two mediocre running backs and Jennings as my one? Any way you split it, I’m getting more points this way, and I’m taking these guys away from other teams.”

While critics openly mocked the Llamas draft, Bangert maintains he was always confident in his team.

“The entire goal of the game is to get more points than your opponent each week. It doesn’t matter how you do it; it just matters that you do it.”

“There were a lot of factors in this draft: we’re coming out of a lockout, 4 of our first ten picks were coming off just one good year, another was a holdout, and then Vick-well, he was a wildcard. And not worth it, really.”

“So we decided to take a shot downfield and go receiver heavy. Just because we knew these guys would give us consistent points.”

Bangert even drafted Tony Gonzalez and Rob Gronkowski as tight end’s. He admits the Gronkowski pick was more luck than anything, and the only reason he wanted Gonzalez was to double up QB Matt Ryan’s points.

His running back’s, though?

“I’ve taken fliers on everyone. I drafted Felix Jones early because I think he’s poised for a huge year: Barber’s gone, he’s a former first round pick with big play ability, he averages over 5 yards a carry for his career, and he can catch the ball. I’d have bet my left nut in August that Felix would reach 2000 combined yards and 10 TD’s. So far, he’s not where he needs to be. But that’s okay, because we aren’t relying on him. If he hits, then we win it all. That’s just the truth.”

And to compliment Jones?

“Aww, shit,” Bangert says. He laughs when he thinks about the plethora of running back’s he’s gathered as the season’s progressed. “I’ve got Benson, McGahee, Blount. I drafted Benson (9) and Blount (6) and picked up McGahee. That’s the thing with fantasy running back’s: every year, there’s a guy or two who explode from out of nowhere. You can pick up a running back in free agency as the season goes on and be fine. That’s why I didn’t want to pick one early.”

That’s not to mention the shrewd trade Bangert just pulled off.

“Yeah, TEAM GUNK just traded me Beanie Wells for Mike Crabtree.”

Bangert chuckles.

“Really, it’s typical of the fantasy culture. Gunk (TEAM GUNK owner/CEO/GM/coach Mike Gunko) drafted CJ2K in round one and MJD in round two. He has no receivers and has Beanie on the bench.”

“Basically, I told him this: ‘Mike, you’re team’s in the shitter (TEAM GUNK was 0-4 coming into week 5 and, at the time of this article, is losing 87-62.) You get no points from Beanie. Crab has the talent to be a solid receiver, and if you want to salvage your season, I think this is a trade you make.’”

Gunko could not be reached for comment.

“There’s a firestorm brewin’ over that trade now.”

The Wünderllamas are a renegade team. That much is for sure. Bangert plays a new kicker and defense every week (“it’s all matchups, really”) and will start two running backs he never drafted at one point this season.

Is there any chance teams will adopt his strategy in future seasons?

“Sure. It’s a copycat society we live in. I’m sure there will be a few teams that begin building around receivers. Maybe that’ll even things out. Either way, I welcome that. I’m just sick of Michael Turner supposedly being a first round fantasy pick. He’s not.”

But how much of the Llamas success because of luck?

“I’m sure everyone will say that. ‘Oh, you know Cal won’t put up numbers like that every week, and your backs aren’t shit!’ Well, that’s exactly why we’re a scary team: our backs haven’t done shit! Just wait til they do! You know who’s lucky? Steve, the guy in first place (Crack Raiders.) He’s faced the easiest schedule: 76 points a game! As for Cal? I’ll let his play speak for us.”

Going into Monday night, the Llamas were down 4 to Back2BackChamp. The only player for either team was Cal Johnson for the Llamas.

“Yeah, maybe Cal won’t get two scores a game-but you can bank on at least 16 fantasy points. I know I am.”

(Johnson had 130 yards and a score. He finished the game with 19 points, and the Llamas won 97-82, improving to 4-1 on the year with a 4 game win streak.)

“‘Operation: Vertical Orgasm’, huh? Well, there’s truth in that. These receivers are enough to make anyone cream in their undies. I know they give me an orgasm just thinkin’ of the possibilities.”